From A.D. in Kansas
GOD’S LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS IN EGYPT
10/26/2025
I lived life as a gay man for most of my thirties and into my forties. Having been raised in church from the time I was born, and being saved somewhere between the ages of seven to nine, I knew practicing a homosexual lifestyle was sinful, but by the time I was in my early thirties I had reached a point in my life that was filled with so much loneliness, depression and sadness that I didn’t care anymore. I was more concerned with my comfort, and not being lonely. Prior to acting on my Same-Sex Attractions (SSA), I stuffed the feelings down for years. Like I said, I knew they were sinful to practice so I tried to ignore them and pretend they didn’t exist. Surely they would go away then, right? Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. The Lord wants us to bring Him those parts of us that we know aren’t yet redeemed, and yes, that even means our sexual temptations. I didn’t know how to do that when I was growing up fighting these urges and temptations, and if I’m being honest, it’s still something I’m learning, but at least I know what I need to do now. As much as I would have loved to have been instantly made perfect in this body when I was saved, I’ve learned the process of sanctification and redemption is a lifelong one; Thank you, Father, for teaching me patience, grace and mercy.
Before going further with my story, let me interject here to make clear to anyone who reads this, if you or someone you know has SSA feelings or temptations, please know and/or assure them that it is absolutely NOT a sin to have these feelings. The sin comes in when someone chooses to act on these feelings, and practices the homosexual lifestyle. We must be careful, yes, as with any temptation, to not dwell on them because our thoughts can lead to actions, but when temptations do come, please don’t mistake that for sin. For far too many years when I was growing up, and struggling silently with all this, I believed that lie from the enemy that these feelings and temptations were sinful, and that when I died one day that God was going to send me straight to hell for simply having a body with feelings that felt as natural as breathing to me. I know now that this thought wasn’t true and certainly was not biblically defensible. Temptations, feelings and attractions are not sinful in and of themselves. Hebrews 4:15 tells us that Jesus himself was tempted, just like we are, yet He did not sin. What is sinful is choosing to live out and practice those temptations, feelings and attractions that go against God’s natural design, and that’s not just homosexual urges, but heterosexual urges, too.
Back to my story; When I was thirty-three I started dating a local guy I met online through a gay dating app. I knew it was sinful, and I knew that I would eventually have to make a decision to stay with this guy or run back to Christ. Several times throughout our relationship the Holy Spirit would convict me, but I kept pushing those convictions away. How loving, patient and kind the Holy Spirit is. He could have given up on me, and left me alone, but praise God, He didn’t.
In 2021, after this guy and I had been together for a little over three years, the Lord strongly convicted me of our relationship and I could no longer continue to ignore it. We were engaged to be married by then, and I believe the Lords strong conviction came at the right time so that I would not make a mockery of what He calls holy, which is marriage, as is reserved to be between one man and one woman. I told this guy that I could no longer be in our relationship because it was sinful and that I was giving my life back to Christ. We ended our engagement and split up, but remained in close contact. This guy didn’t want to break up in the first place, and so he was fine with us still staying in contact. The fact that we remained in contact though was a mistake, but I thought we could be platonic friends.
While I had renounced my homosexuality and turned back to God and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior again, and was trying to get involved in a church, I never felt I truly connected with the church body, and therefore didn’t have anyone to work through my loneliness or temptations with, or encourage me in my walk with the Lord. I would often spend my evenings alone, and of course, all the thoughts of our past relationship came flooding back. While me and this guy never “officially” started dating again, and never moved back in together, we still saw each other multiple times per week. Most of our time together was platonic enough, watching TV, having a meal together or grocery shopping, but the bigger problem was that it didn’t always stay platonic and I didn’t confess these sins to anyone. I knew that us still seeing each other was wrong, no matter the circumstances. Even if we had kept our relationship perfectly platonic, it still wasn’t a relationship I needed to be in. My heart was still too drawn to him and the past we shared. I wasn’t protecting my heart. I was running back to Egypt. He had his own place and I had mine, but we still had each others company, companionship and affection. It wasn’t good. Sadly, this went on for four more years, until a couple months ago.
The guy ended up wanting to pursue a romantic relationship again and since he knew I wouldn’t agree to that he wanted to find someone else who would. I couldn’t and didn’t fault him for this. Off and on throughout all this time of us being “broken up”, but still together, I’d tell him we needed to stop seeing each other as much, and that we needed to break things off because I felt like a hypocrite, and that’s exactly what I was. He knew I had confessed my belief in Jesus back in 2021 when we first split up, and he knew that the reason we split up was because the Lord had convicted me that us being together was sinful. Every time I would tell him that we needed to stop seeing each other as often and needed to cool things down between us, he obliged, but it lasted for very short periods of time and then we’d see each other again, and start the vicious cycle all over. I am not blaming him for us staying together; yes, he wanted it, but I did too. I set no boundaries and I wasn’t being disciplined in my walk with Christ and I certainly was not being a good witness for Christ. I was a hypocrite. I was a fool. Father, thank you for Your forgiveness, grace and mercy.
If you would have asked me through all this if I loved the Lord, I would have said that I absolutely loved the Lord, and that He was my Savior, but my actions certainly didn’t prove it. On Sunday I’d be at church and loving the Lord, but then turn around and still be talking to this guy throughout the week. Not only that, but this guy was my source of comfort; He was the companion I sought out when I was lonely or wanted intimacy, he was my joy. Not the Lord. The Lord wanted my heart, my whole heart, and to have relationship with me, not just for me to say that I loved Him and believed Him as my Savior.
In 2023, throughout the last two years that we were still seeing each other, I started faithfully attending the church that I still attend to this day. I got connected to the body and I shared with a few of them my continued struggles with this guy. The church was not affirming of the gay lifestyle and the Pastor would continuously encourage me to end things with this guy. The Lord was trying to get me to do what I should have done back in 2021. I believe the Lord finally ended up using this guy to get us to end things. When this guy said he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with someone, he knew that I wouldn’t agree to that and that was the end of our relationship. The Lord, in His mighty plan, removed from my life what I wouldn’t remove on my own.
The Lord has been gracious to me since the relationship ended. At first, I felt bad about crying out to the Lord when I missed this guy or was just feeling lonely and heartbroken. I would struggle with feeling ashamed for asking God to comfort me in my loneliness and the mourning of this gay relationship ending, but what finally changed my mind was realizing that God already knows everything about me. He knows when I sit down, when I stand up, and when I leave, and when I return. Every emotion, feeling, intent. He knows it all, which means, He knows when I’m missing this guy and mourning our relationship, and He knows that I’m human. Now, I didn’t sit in pity and dwell on the fact that our relationship is over day after day after day, but as the sadness and longing come up, I cry out to the Father. He promises to be with me, and to comfort the broken hearted and that includes me.
Additionally, the Lord revealed to me that the “love” I thought this guy and I shared in our relationship wasn’t love at all, it was lust. Yes, we cared about each other, but our relationship was built on lust. What could he do to satisfy me sexually and what could I do for him, which is a very selfish approach to a relationship. The Lord revealed this to me recently while I was reading Romans 1, verse 27 specifically, “And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other…” (Rom. 1:27a NLT, emphasis mine). You see, what we called love wasn’t love at all, but simply lust disguised as love. First Corinthians 13: 4 – 7 tells me that real love is patient and kind. It’s not jealous or boastful or proud. It’s not rude or demanding of it’s own way (selfish). It’s not irritable and keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. None of what we called “love” in our relationship came close to matching the truth of what the Bible calls love. This truth has helped to ease the ache of my broken heart.
When I look back I can see the Lord’s hand protecting me and drawing me to Him despite my relationship with this guy. The Bible tells us that we are drawn to God by His kindness to us, and I can see that written all over my life, but especially over the last eight years. The Lord has been incredibly kind to me through it all, and He’s revealed to me that my salvation all those years ago as a child, while genuine, was based on a means-to-an-end relationship with Jesus. What I believed is that by believing in Jesus and trusting Him as my Savior meant I would be rescued from an eternity in hell. While that’s true, it completely misses the whole point and that is a restored personal relationship with the Father through Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I’m still not quite sure what that personal relationship looks like, but I know that the Lord will see it through to completion and I’m very excited for a future with Him. Only He can truly satisfy my soul.
If I could say something to anyone who is still struggling with returning to a relationship with the Father through Jesus, it would be to simply tell them, don’t wait. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or said. If you still have breath in your lungs and you’re feeling a tug on your heart to run back to God, it’s not too late, in fact that’s the Holy Spirit trying to get your attention. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be willing to open your heart to Him. If you’re unsure, be honest with God, and tell Him. He already knows you feel this way. I promise He loves you so much more than you can even imagine. You will never regret giving up this life for life with Christ. He’s so worth it. Don’t wait.
